Hello World

27 Jul 2020

hevil.me

This is me now, I guess. Its just a name I chose, its not like its very meaningful, but is hopefully memorable.

Status Update

An update as to the current situation is in order.

The last post on this blog is from Dec 2017. So much shit has happened since then!

What have I been working on? Everything and nothing. I have been exploring my academic interests. I have noticed that these days, I don’t really have any “trivial” hobbies, not that I am trying to belittle them or show off or anything like that, its just an observation. I don’t feel comfortable reading fiction any more.

Case in point, I found out about hopepunk and as is the case with me, bought the Red Mars triology on Kindle without so much as a second thought (definitely not a third thought for sure), and it was for me unpalatable. I just couldn’t read through it. Its not because the story was bad or anything, but the very idea of reading through or sitting through a story just seems to me to be so tasteless.

I can’t for the life of me watch game videos or serials or movies. All I watch on youtube are generally Conference videos on programming or bread tube content.

But anyways, what have I been working on? Its like I have been playing Elder Scrolls in my real life. In that game your skills increase the more you use them. So if you run all the time, you get better at running. If you fight with swords, you get better at fighting with swords. The idea of games like these is that they expect you to have a playstyle, but it doesn’t penalize you if you don’t stick to it. Sure if you started playing as a person who is a magic user and suddenly switch to a two handed sword and heavy armor, you’ll have a hard time initially, but if you play your cards right (and I am mostly talking about ESIV Oblivion), you can end up at a high level in all the skills.

You have ranks in skills in Elder Scrolls, you start as a Novice, then you become an Apprentice, then you become a Journeyman, then Expert and then finally Master. Of course, you are expected to only have a few Master Skills. But the way I play this game of life, the way I have invested time in things, I feel like I am now starting to become a Journeyman in a lot of skills. Ideally I’d have been an Expert at CFD, Fluid Mechanics and Engineering and a Journeyman at Programming but the way I have pursued my interests is - I have just spent all my time in training.

Goals

Goals are always good to have. I am getting married. And I hadn’t yet put that down in writing. I mean for me, not writing things has become the norm now. I remember the old times, when I would literally wake up from sleep just to record a couple of lines that I felt were very well written or whatever as soon as they occurred to me in my dreams and thoughts. I carried a notebook everywhere I went and wrote in it at all times in IIT Kanpur.

Now I don’t write, this doesn’t mean that I don’t have thoughts anymore, I still do. Its just, the whole “record before I forget it” complex has disappeared and been replaced by this safe and secure notion of “It will come to me when I need it, and if it doesn’t come then I didn’t really need it in the first place”.

I have never really been very goal oriented. I mean it would have been nice if I was, but I have always taken the scenic route and I don’t see the point in hurrying. Sure it helps, it might’ve gotten me an engineering job, it might have taken me to US do my PhD or it might have resulted in the completion of my PhD from IIT Patna.

But even if those things didn’t happen, am I any less happy? Would I rather one of those things than this blessed life I have right now, where I get to be in home quarantine for a week then my brother comes home and then I get married. Like wth, why are so many good things happening to me?

Goal setting

I’ve tried so many time to set goals, but I have never stuck to it. I have tried a plethora of methods to record tasks and do them etc. But in my opinion its best to just write in a notebook.

I have this notion of ok, tomorrow (or this weekend) I will really sit down and I will draw a real plan of action and really follow through with it and develop this plan of action on all the things that I want to do and then I will plan the exact weeks I want to do them in and then I will actually do them.

Spoiler alert: I am yet to write this amazing document.

Taking Stock

I generally just take an informal stock. Where I am at in my head? And it helps, it helps in calming you down. And the best thing I can tell you is that if you don’t know what to do with yourself, just start writing. Maintain a writing habit. I have been writing on and off since at least freshman year of high school, and a lot of that survives, so I can read from it. It serves as a personal record and a store of memories. You might feel like what if someone reads it? I understand the apprehension. But trust me, when you have 20 notebooks full of thoughts, nobody in their right mind is ever going to touch them.

Taking stock is essential. And I ask myself, have I improved? What has changed since 2017?

What has changed

I am more me now. More authentic, more sure of my convictions. Some of the old is there too still. I still get stuck at times. I still don’t really listen to others as much. I try more though. I try with more conviction. I stick to things longer now. I don’t quit as easily anymore.

I am less afraid. I am more accepting. I am way beyond being becoming.